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here we go again. hope I don't flunk my classes this time. gotta do this. got to make this right. Got to help myself and help my family here in the Philippines. No matter if I'm not sure I like the course. it doesn't really matter yet. What's in demand is more important here in the Philippines. The course that could take me abroad easily. That's life. Life isn't easy here in the Philippines. I wonder if the condition will get better here. Prices are always going up. Even wealthy families only look and seem wealthy. Going too far here. I can do this. guess it's okay to feel scared. I'm a coward at least I admit it.�

Not as bad as Char's aunt dying, but....

My mother got a letter from one of the best friends, who lives in the United States. I had mentioned a few times in the past (ie, back when I was young and stupid) that I thought it would be pretty cool to study in the United States. At the time, my parents were against it. They listed all the reasons (for example, the DISTANCE was the big one, but there was also something to do with the way grades are organised there and how�I would have to leave VERY soon, pretty well next year, so that would be a problem... the list was long.) and told me it was unlikely.

However, the kicker is, now that I have STOPPED wanting to go, stopped this ridiculous idea that if I go, my life will be different and better and well "Isn't the US better anyways?", my mother gets a letter from her American friend (who is extremely nice, by the way). She sent along this article about how international students who have the proper marks will get accepted NO MATTER WHAT to certain American colleges. No matter what. As in, no matter the distance or the financial need, if they want you, they will do their utmost to get you. And now, my parents are enthused.

The thing is, I am not. Not as much as I was. I don't want to leave my friends. I have a pretty decent life here, besides the ridiculous trivial things that are bad. Of course, there are problems that run deeper, but for the most part I am semi-content. I guess. The big thing is that I don't want to pick up and leave my piano lessons, my camping group, my friends (especially the ones I don't go to school with), and everything else that I love, that makes me who I am. A year ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity. Now, I feel an incredible amount of pressure to decide--and that's pretty well what I can't do.

There are other things as well. For example, my parents would want me to study to be a doctor or lawyer. Neither of which particularly appeals to me. And what can I say to them? That is what they expect of me. David actually came up to me and said: "If you become a writer, I will never speak to you again." What?! WHAT?! HE IS FREAKING 13 YEARS OLD. He knows NOTHING about wanting something big that you are being pushed away from. He is only saying that because he knows my parents disapprove.

Ugh. Life SUCKS.

Eternal pessimism. I annoy myself. You know it's bad when that happens.

Song suggestion of the day: A Long December, by Counting Crows. Completely and utterly depressing, but very, very pretty.

I am not an idealist. I know things are currently rolling down a hill, and have yet to hit the bottom. I know this for many reasons which I will not list here for the sake of the obscene amount of homework waiting for me.

Until later,

~Annabel

May 19, 2008

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How exciting it was to travel to work!!!�� People are everywhere and the town is really a buzz with everyone in town for the race.� I was afraid the travel situation would be really difficult but it was not nearly as bad as I expected.� I cruised right into the speedway and was only slightly held up about 3 blocks from the track.� My assignment for the first day at Lowe’s was to work as an “usher”.� When people arrived at the Speedway Club I would direct them to their destination, whether they were there for dinner, shopping, drinks and of course to their seats.� The Speedway Club has over 4500 members who pay at a minimum $ 2700.00 pp to belong.� That is just the membership; they then have to pay for their tickets.� They have access to some of the best seating available.� The club seating is right on the front stretch, enclosed, air conditioned and has very nice cushioned stadium seating.� The day got off to a slow start as we had to be at work at 11:00 and guest really did not start coming until about 3:00.� Gave me a good chance to chat with some of the other works, I had a great group of people I was working with.� Day One finally ended at 11:30.� I drove directly home and went straight to bed – I was beat!

I am a filipino. my girlfriend is darker than me. When people see us they laugh at us but it's okay. I'm used to it already. I just feel sad whenever my gf hears their sharp remarks, judgements, jokes about us. She gets hurt. But good thing I'm there to comfort her. I hope God supports our relationship, because most people in the world aren't supporting. Not even family members. My cousins laugh at us. my friends even deserted me after knowing my girlfriend was darker. It's like there's a universal rule, "Don't mix white with black". when the truth to us here is: WE ARE ALL FILIPINOS. MOST OF US WERE BORN DARK. fairer complexion just came in because of interracial marriages. like filipino-chinese, filipinos and spaniards, fil-ams,etc. Some of my cousins were born with dark complexion, and their hair was so curly like the igorot or aeta. but because of monthly glutathione shots, over-expensive beauty products, botox, etc. they became "models", they strove for the model-image, as in magazines. Until now they still strive for these things when the fact is they're getting old. i don't think God wants people to change their skin complexion. Michael Jackson did. Now he hides his face because his plastic surgery is "melting" or I dunno what. He should have stayed black. The best singers and artists are black. Brian Mcknight, Boyz II Men, Babyface, Usher, beyonce, mariah carrey. although I know her mom was white.

In numbers 12, Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because he married a cushite, african woman. God heard and turned Miriam's skin WHITE AS SNOW. I'd like to believe Miriam discovered white skin wasn't more beautiful than dark skin. I hope and know, there are couples like us, who go through the pain of being criticized and judged the way we don't deserve. I hope in some way I could encourage you to hang in there. I hope that God-willing I could meet a couple, or more couples like us someday and support one another.���������

okayy soo sundayy i hung out witthh bestfriend rite :]
hes pretty amazing....we walked to wicker park and tlaked or watever then we went to dairy queenn...we hung out all day arm like 3 till 11...i knoe i knoe that dont sound like fun but just being with him satisfies me,sumtimes we dont even do anything but talk i have soo much funn....hes great :] we ll he says that we should be together and that im perfrect 4 em and blahh blahh blahh but he says he aint reday 4 a serious relationship and he cant give me his all rite now..i meanpart of me belives the bullshit but the other part of me thinks hes holdin on to his ex..(even tho i hate that bytch) idkk i personally knoe i could treat him better then she kannn....eryone says im dumb 4 fallin 4 him but i cant help itt...he makes me wanna cum to skool eryday just to see him and he makes me smile 4 no resaon he makes me soo happi and honestly where will i find anyone else like thatt...
well anywaisee enough about boiiis (for once :])
soo mi brothers and mi dad will be up here fridayy...n all i hear outa mi moms mouth is how she wants to get bak wit mi dad...which dont u think that all kids would want there mom 2gether exspecially wen youd get anythinng 4rm themm..well ud think i would but i so dont i think there so wrong 4 each other mi mom trusts me :] and i love that she lets me doo anything i want and if mi daf cums around hes gunna be sooooo protective and fatherishh, idkk i guess thats pretty selfish of me but idk...i mean i want mi mom to be happi but just not with himm :[
sooo� like wat do i do do i just telll axcept it or try to find mi mommy suone else :[
ughhh idkkk....�